The Yawn

Dear Cocoa Bean,

Today was a big day for your Daddy and me. We are constantly worried about your well-being and anxiously await each measurement check of my body and and peek into what you are doing. We were comforted with the measurements that came back and will breath easier this week. Today, during your photo/video session you raised your arms up high above your head and let out a big yawn. It was amazing to watch. You looked like a baby outside of the womb and I couldn't believe how life-like you are all nestled inside my belly. Although your ultrasound photo doesn't capture that special moment as much as watching you on the screen. In fact, here you look like you are trying to mimic Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream."



The doctor was very comfortable with the results of everything and felt that the treatment he prescribed last week is working well. I've arranged to work from home two days a week and the best part is I get to see you every Monday morning. Your Daddy and I are sooo spoiled to have so many opportunities to get a glimpse of you. I love it when you kick and jab me during the day reassuring me that you are a-okay down there. Although, I may not be so happy about that movement in a month or so when you've packed on a few pounds. I forgot to tell our audience that you are breech which means that sometimes your little kicks send me running to the bathroom! The doctor says that statistics show that you may be breech the rest of the way through. I'm okay with that because as long as you are safe- I don't mind which method they choose to bring you to me. I'm prepared either way.

Clarity

It all came together today. Clarity about our future and this baby. I guess I should thank Matt for being gone, although I never like it when he leaves, but today it helped me. This morning I relaxed in bed and thought about plans for the nursery. Took a late morning trip to the book store and found exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to chronicle my pregnancy, the past, our struggles, all for this baby to read one day. I didn't want a baby book, or something that had fill-in-the-blanks. I wanted a blank journal. Originally, I thought I would type it on the computer and then realized how hugely impersonal that would be. There is a lot to be said for a person's handwriting. Mine is messy but legible and not always correct grammar. But that's me and I think it's important for this baby to know that.

The journal also gave me inspiration for the nursery colors. So today I feel confident that I am going to walk into the furniture store that I planned to visit and purchase exactly what we need to feel ready for this baby. I have to let go of the anxiety of having a miscarriage, a premature baby, and the scenarios in my head of what ifs. It's exhausting. Last night I opened up the two memory boxes I have of our babies and went through their blankets, footprints and the most heartbreaking- the photos of their tiny hands, feet and faces. I then realized that will not happen again. That's it, I don't want any more memory boxes. I'm starting my 25th week and this baby WILL make it.

We are at the bridge...

I remember my doctor saying early on in the pregnancy that we would cross that bridge when we get there. Well, my friend, we have officially arrived at the bridge. Today I had my normal 2-week cervical check and ultrasound. We found out my cervical length has shortened quite a bit in the last two weeks. A normal range is 30-40mm. I was 37mm the entire start of my pregnancy and I was hanging on to that good number with confidence. I was shocked when I saw that it had shortened to 30mm in less than 14 days. I held my emotions until we got in the elevator after we got out of the appointment and I just couldn't help but feel defeated. It's not over. I just have to modify my defense. I have to go back next Monday for another check and at that time we will put together a game plan. If the cervix is shorter than it's bed rest time. If it's stable then we will continue our medication ritual along with strict limits on activity.

Cocoa Bean is doing great. Chambers of the heart are fiercely beating, he/she is quite active and always kicking me. Right now baby is breach so each kick is a shot in my cervix. Luckily, the kicks are not causing the shortening of the cervix and we hear it's better that CB's feet are down there instead of the head. More pressure the other way.

So here we are standing at the bridge. We are ready to cross it. This time around I am chancing nothing, questioning ever decision made by the doctors. Because we've earned the right to not take each change lightly. Matt and I made an instant plan of attack and hope that this next week will bring positive things instead of turbulence.

Parker Strikes the Laundry Room

Part of the basement finishing project includes our laundry room. The carpet will be installed into the main portion of the basement later this month so before that happens we needed to address the laundry room. Matt worked hard on cleaning everything out, extending a concrete ledge so that the washer and dryer will fit perfect and then just today, applying a nice gray coat of paint to the floor.

We left to do some errands and came back to check on the floor to see how it was drying and found this. Paw prints leading all the way to the drain. This isn't dirt, it's the dark floor underneath showing through. The evidence is stuck to Parker's feet. Unbelievable. Never does Parker ever explore our house without us beside him and why oh why did he feel the need to go check out the drain in the laundry room? We will never know.

Parker- do you have any idea how many times I have defended you when your Dad said he was up to here with you and wanted to give you away? You are clearly not helping matters.